i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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