She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
