Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
