the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
