I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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