i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
