I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
