Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize