This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
