If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
