remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
