a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
