Can Purell be used as lube?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She bit a glass in half.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
