I wish I could teleport
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
