i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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