some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
