I heard we made out
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
