i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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