I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
