I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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