you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
