hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
