I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
