Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
