batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
