so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
