i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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