There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There r osticjed everywhere
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
