Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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