I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
