i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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