Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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