Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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