She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
