At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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