Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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