nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
