Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Your dad touched me again.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
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