I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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