I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
