Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
