you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
