Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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