My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
