I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
