I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
