I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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