Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize