Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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