I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
