Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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