You just made me feel so damn special
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
