i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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