I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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