i think my tv is drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
