I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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