It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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