he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
