It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
