Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
