The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
